I still have so many secrets. But gosh, this one just hits so close to home right now. My whole life I have lied about certain things in my past. And every time something terrible happened to me, I would lie about it. I'm still great at putting on a smile and pretending that everything's alright. But my friend noticed something was off, asked me about something she discovered, and I told her the truth.
I thought if I kept it a secret, it couldn't hurt me anymore. I thought, if people know, they'll think bad things about me. Or if they know the truth, if they know how hard life is for me, they'll avoid me, as if difficulties are contagious.
I'm astounded at the amount of support I have in my friends, even now that my two closest friends know the truth.

I'm so afraid that my dreams are going to become regrets. I have so much going on right now, and it's so difficult- sometimes impossible, to get through. I want college more than anything in the world right now, and every day that passes it seems more and more unattainable. I'm trying to do everything I can, and it feels like my best isn't enough. I'm so scared that I'm going to take time off to try to save up and end up never being able to come back. I am fighting to not let that happen.
I am living this amazing opportunity to be in college right now. But something simple could whisk it all away.

I feel the oldest I've ever felt right now. I am fully responsible for everything. I am 19 and I am alone in the world. I pay for everything myself... and it's impossible sometimes. And I'm at a four year college, and I have yet to meet someone in my situation.
In fact, the majority of students here have everything paid for them. And I realize that I will appreciate it more, and already do, but I still feel sad. And I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to come back next year.
I feel older than everyone I'm around right now, because of various challenges I've faced.
Anyway, I refuse to get old, and I refuse to grow up! I still like having fun, pink things, and Disney movies. :)

I have learned that, for me, in order to heal and move past something, I have to actually face it and deal with it. I can't reject terrible stuff and pretend it was never a part of my life.
Overall, I think I'm pretty resilient, though. Even after several disasters, a lot of them recently, I'm still able to smile. I'm still able to strive to do my best.

I used to allow the past to dominate my life, years ago. Now it's pretty easy for me to let things go.
Recently, I've actually been focusing on the here and now because I've been too busy to think about anything else.
But I definitely look to and focus on the future more than anything. I should probably resort to Buddhism and focus only on the present moment at all times. The future scares me. It's so uncertain. If I can't afford college, I see a bleak, or at the best a very difficult future. But it motivates me to do all that I can and more to try to make sure my future is the best it can be. I look forward to all the wonderful things that can happen, and that are already happening. I'm trying hard to appreciate how lucky I am right now and not worry so much about tomorrow. I try to envision a future where I am a Social Worker, helping people.

I believed that everything was possible. That dreams could and would always come true. That people were all good.
I still hold onto some of the basic cores of these beliefs... and the world just makes me very unhappy sometimes. I hate being disillusioned. :(

I have been living on campus for less than 1 month.
I was homeless this summer. And then I sort of went from place to place. A benevolent person took me in until school started.
Sometimes the idea of where I'm going to go on the holidays or next summer scares me to death.

Honestly, I wish my mother had never gotten remarried to that not so great person. Things were never perfect, and sure, we had some tough times. But there were so many wonderful times.
I never felt quite at home. It took me a while to get settled into a new place. But the place that I remember as feeling the most like home was my childhood town.
Home to me is hot chocolate when you're sick, the smell of evergreen in the house in December, the smell of food in the kitchen, a cat curled up next to you. And, of course, not having to worry about getting all packed up and out by 7 AM, or worrying about where you're going to stay the following week.
Honestly, I miss having a home, a family. I know I'm so lucky in so many ways, and there are millions who are way worse off than I am. But I still wish my mother loved me. I still miss "home."

Whenever I get to feeling sad, panicked, hopeless... whenever I find myself facing the depths of despair, I think about how lucky I am.
I think about the billions of people who suffer far worse than I ever have or will. I think about all these people who have no way out of their terrible situations.
I focus on the positive things in my life. I have friends. I have people who care about me, who I care about, who have become more like family to me than my biological family ever was.
I think about happy things, and how I can make anything positive. I look at this life, I'm so lucky to be in college. I focus on that. I'm so lucky to have a job. I'm so lucky, so very lucky.
I think about how there's still holidays and delicious food. I can still go running or sit outside and write or just appreciate the beauty all around me.
I try to focus on how things could be so much worse. And how wonderful and amazing my life is.
Sometimes it's hard to do that. But I try. And if it doesn't work, I let myself wallow for a while, but when it comes to that I usually feel guilty for indulging myself in sorrow.

I am in the library, trying to focus on studying. Emotionally, I am numb and frozen. I think if I tried to feel anything, I'd just fall apart with all of it. It's too overwhelming.
In the world. I'm invisible. I don't matter. I'm poor. And the poverty-stricken are unseen, unheard, invisible. So I am exactly nowhere in the world.
My heart is- I don't know where. My heart is with the wounded and the sorrowful. My heart is with the benevolent ones who helped me when I had nothing and hoping they're all safe and happy. My heart is in the future, hoping it is brighter.
And my thoughts are scattered across the galaxies.

My future hangs in the balance. I'm at a tough point in my life right now, and I'm hoping, even though it seems hopeless, that things turn out alright.
You see, some not so wonderful things have happened in my life. A lot more recently. And even though I'm 19 and on my own and poor, I'm trying to get through college at a 4 year university. And I work full-time trying to pay for everything.
And if I don't get enough hours, my bills don't get paid. And I might lose my car, I might get kicked out of school for not paying the bill.
There are two very different futures laid out now. One, where I make it through, I survive, and I am a Social Worker helping save the world. And one very darker future, where I am struggling on minimum wage barely surviving from paycheck to paycheck. And if I lose my job, I find myself in a homeless shelter.
I'm terrified.